Jokes

If you have a Joke about anything post it in here!!!

Tiger Woods ran into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between the iron or the wood.

If you can successfully back out of your driveway, you can say that you out drove Tiger Woods.

What does Tiger Woods' wife have in common with a golf club? They both swing for Tiger's balls.


Out of all the sporting figures up 2 this day...
Tiger woods, picked the perfect sport 2-b-n...
Golf..
He had 2 do something with all those extra balls.

Dave came home from work early and discovered his wife,Marry,
fucking his best friend ,Guido.
"What the hell are you doing?" Dave demanded
"See," Marry said to Guido,"I told you
he was stupid!"


After having their 11th child ,a hillbilly couple decided
it was enough. The husband,Billy Bob went to the doctor and said that
he and his wife didn't wan't any more kids. The doctor said he could
have a vasectomy but the procedure was expensive. A less costly
alternative ,explained the MD ,was to drop a lit cherry bomb into a can
of beer,hold the can to his ear and count to 10.
"Hows that gunna help?"the hick protested.
"Trust me." the doc said.
At home ,the manlit a cherry bomb and put it into a beer can. He help
it to his ear and counted."One,two,three,four, five ,at which time he
paused, put the beer can between his legs ,and resumerd countingon his
other hand.
Was he from West Virginia er what?

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind
him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just
give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and
what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a
hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the
drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks
for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten
seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve
in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack
began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap
water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and
daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack
hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits
ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

lolz

kindergarten teacher is goin over animal sounds with her class. She says to the class "What sound does a pig make?"
Immediatley tyrone jumps up, "Put your hands on the hood mother fu**er

ha! wow

a police officer sees a car with 4 old ladies driving way under the speed limit. he pulls the car over and says "do u know why i stopped you". the driver says "i know i wasnt speeding. i was doing 22 just like the sign said." the officer laughs and says "that wasnt the speed limit. you are on I-22". about this time he notices the passenger are shaking and white as ghosts. he asks the driver if they are alright. she say "o theyll be fine. we just got off I-119".

a man just retired, he moves to florida and buys a corvette, on his way to his new home he steps on the gas and dosent let go, in the mean time he passes a trooper, the trooper pulls him over(frustrated and ready to get off work and go home) the trooper tells man, if you can give me a realy good reason why you were going so fast I will let you go, the man replies, well my wife just left me for a florida trooper and i thought you were trying to give her back.

lol nice